he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Boobs are out for the taking
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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