So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
