You just made me feel so damn special
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
