While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
