Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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