Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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