I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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