I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
