I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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