I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
