I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
