apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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