i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
