they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
