Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
