now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
