it hurts more in the daytime
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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