Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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