normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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