So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
