Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
