It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
