I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
