You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have fence marks all over my body
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
