God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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