Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's rum buckets o'clock
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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