dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"