I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"