Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!