I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
