Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
