i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
did you just send me my own nude
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
