I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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