Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
