i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
