I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So vagazzling was a success
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
