I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
