Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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