remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
one two three fourrrrnication!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
