I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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