The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
