I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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