i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
mondays should just be called national damage control day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
