you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
