I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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