I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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