Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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