She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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