someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
