I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He did a backflip because drugs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
