U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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