you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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