Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
