it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
