I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
