Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
