And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize