You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
