we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
